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It’s been forever and a day since I posted on here. (And the last post, I didn’t really write!)

Oh my, I guess that’s busyness tolling up. A little bit of slacking here, doing too much there, trying to keep up… I do love being busy, but slacking does not help at all :). My favorite class is my Moody online course – Educational Foundations – and my least favorite is a four-way tie between physical science (in a simple effort to avoid the extra stress of physics), health, world history, and precalc. Okay, actually, I love history. And health. But actually staying accountable with them? Pishhh.

Hehe – okey dokey I need some accountability here. Takers?

Ahem. So. I read my very first Karen Kingsbury book yesterday. I think it was called “Reunion”. The mom of a huge family (with grown-up, married kids) was dying with cancer, and she struggled a ton with fear about being sick and leaving her family if she died. She realized though, that when she would pray and ask God to heal her, it would be something along the lines of this: “God, heal me so that I can be with my family. So that I can spend time with them. So that I can see my grandkids grow up and meet the son I never met.”

She realized, in the end, she was asking for her will to be done for her purposes – not the Lord’s.

Rewind a few weeks, to the day I started teaching for kid’s large group on Sundays at my church. The theme this month is conviction. Honestly, at first, my biggest fear was not teaching well. The second week, I tried to fully give up that fear. I think it’s close to gone :). But as I was reviewing my lesson for this week about Daniel in the lion’s den, I realized what I had been doing. Every week, I tell the kids that we need to obey what God says so that other people will see God and He will be glorified. And every week, I ask them “Is it easy?” “NO!” is the resounding answer. “Do we still need to do the right thing anyway?” “YES!”

Mhmm….Good morning, Michelle! HELLO! This is a lesson YOU need to learn too!!!

Teaching the lesson, my friends, is a very small portion of the actual effort required.

Today, I had an especially bad day. I snapped out of it (I always do), but as I was bawling and trying to sort out my mess, I realized that I was fighting. So hard, so desperately, against the right thing. I wanted my way SO BADLY that I couldn’t bear to give it up. Conviction to do the right thing absolutely flew out the window.

I wanted my thing.

As a teacher, it’s always exciting when you can connect the lesson personally to your life and share that with your students. So I might mention that tomorrow – sitting in our garage, crying because my way had been denied, and God saying, “Hey missy. Whose will do you want here – Mine or yours? Do you trust that I have a good and perfect plan for you? That it’s to prosper you, NOT to harm you – to give you hope and a future?”

It’s so easy to tell people to stand firm to what they believe. To let God have His way even when it comes at personal disadvantage. But do we truly believe it’s worth it, and live it out? Is it perhaps a piece of the agape living we’re called to…to deny ourselves and follow Him?

Not my will, Lord, but Yours.

One Comment

  1. So sorry you had to go through that battle of the “wills”. Hope you will be able to see some positive result of the effect of this trial in your relationship with God. Perspective sometimes makes all the difference.

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